she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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