now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
