I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
