i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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