the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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