its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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