my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
