I feel great
I just peed on a car
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
