I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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