U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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