i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
