If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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