ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
