Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
