walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
