Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
