I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
