Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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