marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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