Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
