im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
