I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
