can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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