i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
