it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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