dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
