Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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