i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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