I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
His hands were made for my vagina.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
