its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
