I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
