well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
