update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
