And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Randomize
