just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
