The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
