She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Even my vagina gasped.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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