you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
