I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
The Olympian is in my bed
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
