Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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