i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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