i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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