last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
