wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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