this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
