Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize