Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
