If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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