All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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