I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
