When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
