Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
