I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
