When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We are all done wearing pants today
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
