People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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