My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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