What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
