in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
